The Sharpest Tool in the Shed (Or Not)

A friend of mine recently dragged up a memory from back when we were flying out of Melbourne on our way to Sydney.

We had landed at the terminal ridiculously early, so we trotted up to the Virgin desk to see if we could score seats on an earlier flight. Everything was going smoothly until the agent hit us with the standard, baseline security screening question:

“Are you carrying anything sharp on you today?”

Now, normal people say "no." Functional members of society say "no." My friend, however, saw a golden opportunity to showcase his comedic genius to a customer service worker who had undoubtedly been awake since 4:00 AM. Without missing a beat, he looked her dead in the eye and delivered it:

“Only my razor-sharp wit!”

The silence that followed could have cut glass. The Virgin agent didn't smile. She didn't chuckle. She just stared at him with total, soul-crushing deadpan eyes, paused for dramatic effect, and slowly laid down the absolute coldest sarcasm humanly possible:

“Ha. Ha. Ha. I’ve never heard somebody say that before.”

I am delighted to report that my friend shrank roughly three feet on the spot and spent the rest of the walk to the gate looking like a scolded cartoon puppy.

It turns out airport security doesn't just confiscate oversized liquids and pocket knives, they'll gladly take your self-esteem, too.